Tuesday, March 12, 2013

WHAT I WANT IN A NEW POPE

In the Kurt Vonnegut novel “God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater” the title character is asked to baptize a set of twins.   He is not necessarily a religious man, much less a minister, but he agrees and at the baptismal ceremony he sprinkles some water on the children and says:

 “Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”

Kindness is the preeminent quality I want to see in a new Pope.

When I taught English literature, one of the pieces I had students read was Geoffrey Chaucer’s Prologue to the Canterbury Tales.  Chaucer had little patience for some of the Church practices of his day: the selling of indulgences, the rich living of some Church leaders.  Still, he admired someone in the Church like the lowly Parson.  Chaucer’s Parson traveled in a wide parish, gave of himself, and tried to practice what he preached.  The lowly Parson had a standard:

"If gold rusts, what hope is there for iron?"
For if a priest is bad, who we should trust
No wonder that the common man will rust.
Now here's an image should make a priest weep
A shit covered shepherd and a clean sheep;
For by his cleanliness a priest should give
To his sheep, a model of how to live.

The Parson was a simple man, and Chaucer’s take on this man of God was simple:

Nowhere on earth is there a priest more fine.
He looked for no great pomp or reverence,
Nor was his conscience primed to seek offence,
For he taught the law of Christ and his twelve
He taught, but first he followed it himself.

I want to see the Parson in a new Pope.

The Church has numerous problems.  The abuse scandals in the United States and elsewhere are still seen by many as unaddressed.   The over one billion Catholics increasingly see Rome as out of touch and distant, lost in its opulence and its past. 

Still, the Church does many good things.  Among the first to provide relief services for Katrina was Catholic Social Services.   Catholic Social Services was on the frontline in the aftermath of 9/11.  Pope Benedict reaffirmed the historical social teachings of the Church numerous times.  He also called for the recognition that worker groups and unions play a necessary and vital role in the global economy.

The new Pope needs to continue the social doctrine of the New Testament.

When Benedict resigned, I jokingly said that I wanted to be the Pope.  To be honest, I thought about it seriously when I was in the seminary, knowing full well that my chances were nil.  God, however, had other plans for me.  I didn’t know it at the time, but I guess He wanted me to get married, have a son and daughter, and teach English.

The new Pope, by his leadership and example, has to help Catholics realize their own vocations.  I think he has to help women resume the same vital role they played in the early Church, even as ministers.  He has to see that allowing them to be married will only enhance the role of priests. 

 
The new Pope can still wear that cool hat and those red shoes.  But, he must also remember that he is filling the shoes of the fisherman.

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

Entertainment News

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One of my former students wrote this about some recent celebrity news in a Facebook status:
Oh I'm sorry, you were completely mistaken when you assumed I gave any fucks about Kim and Kanye's baby
Some of the comments left in the thread discussed what the issue of a Kardashian/West coupling might actually look like.  Some of the other comments mentioned West’s poor rap stylings.

I pretty much feel the same way about any celebrity news.  Our nation has become obsessed with the lives of people we will never meet let alone get to know as friends or neighbors.  Read any of the grocery store tabloids.  Watch any of the half-hour “entertainment news” shows after the evening news.  Someone is pregnant again, even though she’s not married, and nobody knows who she’s been seeing lately.  Someone else has been arrested on the latest of a bazillion drunk driving incidents.  Two people are getting married after they’ve been dating for about two weeks.  Two other people are getting divorced after being married for only four months.

Is it any wonder that teenage unwed mothers are more common in schools?  Or that the national divorce rate is 40-50 percent?  We spend far too much time watching and reading stories about who’s pregnant and who’s breaking up.  Granted there are not that many entertainment couples who are still on their first marriage and have been together for a long time, but when they come along maybe the tabloid and fake news shows should be spending time celebrating the milestones in their lives such as births and anniversaries. They should certainly spend less time covering human failures.
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And what’s the deal with the American fascination with British royalty?  We kicked King George’s ass over two hundred years ago.   Some paparazzi takes a picture of Kate Middleton sunbathing topless and it takes up half of a nightly news broadcast. 

All right.  Prince William’s wife is a babe, and any teenage boy would drool over her as much as they once drooled over the old Farrah Fawcett posters.  They'd hide the digital copies on a thumb drive so their moms won't find them, or print them out and stick them under their mattress with their copies of Penthouse and Playboy. And any red blooded American man wouldn’t mind seeing her naked either. 

But the royal family is upset, and Americans are pelted nightly for a week with the broadcast news, both the national and entertainment variety, like we should all be outraged.   Why is this stuff important?

Prince William should have released one statement that would have stopped all the coverage and probably the hounding paparazzi.   It would read something like:
To the press.  Okay you have some nude photos of my wife.  Go ahead and publish them you perverted twits.  Masturbate to them all you want.  Know this though.  I am married to that sweet hotness and you’re not.  While you're wasting your sperm on pictures, I get to see her that way everyday, and I get to get up in all that hotness whenever I want.  And you don’t, suckers.  It’s good to be the King.